Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
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I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
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He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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