Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
