whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
