just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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