Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
