I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Are we still banned from the library?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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