its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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