I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
as a side note pls kill me
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
