I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
