Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
