He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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