saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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