idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Randomize
