Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
you win again, gameday.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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