Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
