now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS