Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
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There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
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The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.