shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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