The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
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Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
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hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize