Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
