i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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