The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
