in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
