If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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