Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
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