Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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