She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
