my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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