I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
