he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
