I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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