I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
