I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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