i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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