And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
