Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
