i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?