I'd wear matching sweaters with you
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
