She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
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Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
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They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.