They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
