Sry I called you an 8
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening