There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
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having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
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You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.