Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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