and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
