some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.