bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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