Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
