Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I smell stomach acid.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
