glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
