Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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