I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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