why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
