It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
