Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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