this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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