What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
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She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
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Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
just found out that she named her cat after me.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
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