I murdered the dance floor call the cops
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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